When I began this blog, God put it on my heart to always be transparent with my readers

In last week’s bible study video, Beth pointed out that we need to be more transparent with each other. We need to knock down the walls, quit putting up fronts and be honest with each other. We need to have the freedom to confess our faults. That is the only way we can build a supportive community and be held accountable for our faults.

Because the enemy preys on our secrets and our faults, we need to seek counsel.

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
~James 5:16~

With that introduction, I am going to share something that is difficult for me. Something that has a complete stronghold over me; one that I cannot seem to get to loosen its hold over me.

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I started getting chunkier shortly after I hit puberty which happened to be in the 4th grade. This often happens to girls once they hit puberty so it was not unusual.

As I went on through middle school and high school I continued to get a little chunkier. I was never what one would consider fat, but I definitely could have used to lose a few pounds.

Growing up in a dysfunctional house, food became my comfort. I did not have anything else to comfort me. I did not have parents who would hug me and comfort me. I did not have friends whom I could turn to. So I turned to food, without truly understanding what I was doing.

As the years went on and I had kids, I put on more weight. I went through many roller coaster rides in my life and the one thing that I could count on and that was always there for me was food. Food would not betray me. Food would not lie to me. Food would not leave me.

I am now currently at the highest weight I have ever been in my life, including being pregnant. I continue to let the weight creep up on me little by little.
I have tried numerous programs and exercise regiments. I always start out well and then I falter; I fail. I go right back to my old habits.

I have a very hard time losing weight, even when I am trying really hard. I have a very low metabolism and I have a short stature; both things that make losing weight a lot harder than it should be.

I’ve recently been having trouble with high blood pressure. I need to get my weight down or I could be on medication, starting at age 33, for the rest of my life.

Why doesn’t that scare me enough to take action? Why do I keep going down the path that I am on? Why can’t I concur this? Why does this have such a stronghold over me?

I have been told by multiple people who say I have to really want it before I can get it; that my mind has to be in the right place.

I DO really want it.

I don’t want to be fat.
I don’t want to be obese.
I don’t want to be unhealthy.
I don’t want to die young.

Then LORD, why can’t I get there? 

Father what is holding me back? What lesson do you want me to learn from this? Oh Yahweh, what is wrong with me that I cannot turn away from food?

WHY? 

I have heard people say “if you want it bad enough, then just do it.”

I’ve tried.
I feel like I really do want it bad enough.

But if I want it so bad, God, then why can’t I just do it?
I have cried out to you Lord, so many times asking for your help with this stronghold over my life. I’ve been on my knees, with hands raised up to You, and yet I have still to find the solution.

Where is my willpower Lord?
How do I break these chains of bondage that food has wrapped around me?

Oh Father, Please help me. Please.
I cannot continue down this path of destruction and still be able to joyfully serve Your kingdom.

Lord, I beg you, help me break the chains. Only You hold the key.

Suddenly an angel of the Lord appeared and a light shone in the cell. He struck Peter on the side and woke him up. “Quick, get up!” he said, and the chains fell off Peter’s wrists.
~Acts 12:7~