Category Archives: Testimony Tuesday

Testimony Tuesday~ Sharing My Testimony a Little at a Time

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Each week, I have been sharing a little bit of my testimony. If you missed the first installments, be sure to read them HERE.

This is the final installment of my current testimony. Thank you for coming back and allowing me to share with you how God has worked in my life.

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In 2008 we found out we were pregnant with our 3rd child. At around 20 weeks, I was sent to have the usual ultrasound that everyone gets. When the doctor called to tell me that they were sending me to get another ultrasound that would be a clearer picture of the baby, they made it sound like no big deal. Because of that, I went to that next ultrasound on my own. As they were doing the ultrasound, I realized I was not there just for a regular old ultrasound. They suspected that something was wrong with my baby. There was extra fluid around his kidneys and some of his limbs were measuring small. They could not be for certain, but they said there was a possibility he would have Downs Syndrome.

As I sat there in that consulting office, listening to their words, hearing them ask me if there was any possible way I would want to abort my baby I needed to make the decision now because the latest they could do it was 23 weeks. I felt so alone. Are you kidding me? Abort my baby whom I have felt moving in my body, who is alive and breathing and kicking? Absolutely not. And then I began to pray. Sitting there in that office, I prayed and asked God to give me the strength to continue to listen to what they were telling me and to be tactful in my answers.

I left in tears. But I sat in my car, I turned on worship music and I cried and prayed and I cried and prayed some more. When I was done, I felt a sense of peace that I had never felt before. A sense that everything was going to be okay. My baby was in God’s hands and we would be okay. Even if my baby was born with Downs Syndrome, he was still my baby, my child. God would give me the strength and ability to care for a special needs child.

As you know. Nolan Tyler was born June 11th, a healthy, happy and precious baby boy. I thank God every day for hearing my prayers; for comforting me and for taking care of my precious child. However, God was testing me and preparing me for a different journey that lay ahead.

Shortly after Nolan was born, I started reading and talking with a friend. Her son has Aspergers. And things started making sense. Understanding started to become clear.

Jayden had always been what many people called “quirky.” He did things that we didn’t think were “normal” but he was our first child and we did not know anything different. Plus, every time I asked the pediatrician about it, he would tell me the same thing; all kids are different and he is just a little bit “quirky.”

As the pieces started to fall into place and I began doing more of my own research, it became clear that Jayden was not just quirky; he had autism. Jayden was diagnosed in November 2009 with PDD-NOS which is a form of higher functioning autism. At the time, we had no idea the journey that God was taking us on.

After the diagnosis, I went through a period of grieving. I have talked to many other families since then and I am told that it is typical when you first get the diagnosis. You see, I was grieving for the child I thought I had lost. I was grieving for all the things that my child would probably never be able to do. I was grieving for the picture that I had formed in my mind of what I thought my oldest son would be like. It took some time; a lot of praying and a lot of guidance from others, but I finally realized that my child is still there. He is not gone. He is still my child. He is still my firstborn son. He is just different. He is still my Jayden. I needed to be thankful for all the things that he can do and all the things that make him different and unique because of his autism.

As time went on, it became clearer that Jayden has Aspergers. We have yet to get a clinical diagnosis because most waiting lists are an evaluation are about a year long. We also do not have the finances for it. Insurances in Washington State do not cover autism. They do not cover evaluations to get diagnosed, they do not cover therapy to get them the help they need; they cover a whole lot of nothing. So we wait and we pray. We pray that somehow, someday, Jayden will be able to get the proper help that he needs. We fight the doctors, we fight the insurance companies, we fight legislature, we fight the state, we fight the schools, and we fight society to accept our child.

I now realize that God brought me through everything in my life so I would have the strength and the endurance to be the mother of a child with autism. It is an exhausting job; mentally, physically and emotionally. God had prepared me and He had helped me develop the strength to endure it all. Just as a runner has to begin training by running smaller races before a marathon, I had to build up the strength throughout my life to be able to endure the path He was preparing for me later in life.

God brought me through all of the junk, all of the garbage, all of the yucky stuff, so that I can share my story with others. He wants me to share my story so that anyone can see that even when you feel like I have felt, like you are in the deepest and darkest pit of your life with no way out, all you have to do is look up. When you look up, you will see the light shining at the top of that pit and the hand of your Heavenly Father reaching down to pull you up.

As Priscilla Shirer says “Sometimes your greatest message is the mess of your life.”

My life is certainly not perfect. Being a mother is tough. Having a child with autism is a difficult job. I still have some past hurts and baggage that God continues to help me work through. I still make mistakes.

The difference is that now I have someone who is always there by my side; comforting me, helping me, reassuring me, holding my hand, and pointing me in the right direction. My Jesus. He is always there. He is my Rock. He is my Redeemer. He is my Healer. He is my Forgiver. He is my Savior. He is my One and Only.

I tell my story today so that you can see that there is hope. There is a light at the top of the pit when you choose to look up. I tell you these stories not to gain sympathy, but for you to gain understanding for what God can truly bring you through.

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I found this scripture when I first became a Christian. I was able to relate to it. It spoke to my heart. It has become my life scripture; the scripture I return to again and again.

Psalm 116~

1 I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy.

2 Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.

3 The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came over me; I was overcome by distress and sorrow.

4 Then I called on the name of the LORD: “LORD, save me!”

5 The LORD is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion.

6 The LORD protects the unwary; when I was brought low, he saved me.

7 Return to your rest, my soul, for the LORD has been good to you.

8 For you, LORD, have delivered me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling,

9 that I may walk before the LORD in the land of the living.

10 I trusted in the LORD when I said, “I am greatly afflicted”;

11 in my alarm I said, “Everyone is a liar.”

12 What shall I return to the LORD for all his goodness to me?

13 I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the LORD.

14 I will fulfill my vows to the LORD in the presence of all his people.

15 Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his faithful servants.

16 Truly I am your servant, LORD; I serve you just as my mother did; you have freed me from my chains.

17 I will sacrifice a thank offering to you and call on the name of the LORD.

18 I will fulfill my vows to the LORD in the presence of all his people,

19 in the courts of the house of the LORD— in your midst, Jerusalem.

   Praise the LORD.

Testimony Tuesday~ Sharing My Testimony a Little at a Time

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Each week, I have been sharing a little bit of my testimony. If you missed the first installments, be sure to read them HERE.

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It was a spring day in April 2005. I was getting ready to go to work that evening when Jon’s parents drove up to our house. Not unusual for them to just stop by, but we weren’t expecting them either; what was odd to me was that Jon’s mom was carrying a box of tissues with her. What I didn’t know, was that my world was about to be flipped upside down by nothing I had ever experienced before.

Jody. Our Sweet Jody. One of Jon’s best friends from high school. He was the brother of my college roommate’s boyfriend who had introduced us. He was gone. Taken. Jody had passed away in his sleep the night before at the young age of 29. It was unexpected. It was shocking and it rocked our family community. It was something I had never experienced before. I had lost people I loved before; grandparents, family friends, etc, but it was all when I was younger, too young to know what true loss really was. Jody and I had our own unique relationship; one that an outsider would see as hostile; to us, it was how our relationship worked. We joked, we teased, we made sarcastic comments to each other. We were very close friends and his loss was very great in my life.

Through all the preparations and the funeral, I never allowed myself to grieve. I held it all together to be the strong one for everyone else. My husband had lost someone close to him; as the boys put it, he had lost his brother from another mother. For once, he needed me to be strong for him. Because of that, I did not allow myself to grieve. In the end, I was very angry, hurt and confused. Why was someone so good taken so young? Why wasn’t he allowed to live out his full potential of life? How could someone so full of life just be gone in a second?

I needed answers.

Shortly after that, our daughter, Dakota Ray was born. She was given the middle name Ray in honor of Jody; his middle name had been Ray.

Fast forward a little bit more. We were starting to meet other families who had kids the same age as our own children. I noticed that many of the families around us were attending church; either just starting out or they had been believers their whole lives. God began planting the seed.

I started thinking about the house I had grown up in. I did not want my children to experience anything even close to how I had lived as a child. What was missing? What component needed to be added or changed? How was I going to do it all differently?

Thankfully, God intervened.

Friends of ours invited us to their church; a church that they had only just been attending for a few months themselves. Jon was hesitant. He came from the thought that if he believed in God, why did he need to go to church to prove that? So, I went by myself. It was a little bit lonely; it was something I had hoped we could do as a family. But God knew that it was something I needed to do alone. I needed to own it. I needed to experience Jesus on my own.

I started taking the kids with me. Jon didn’t mind at all. In fact, he encouraged it. Then the kids started asking why daddy wasn’t going with us. I let him answer that question and just kept praying. It only took a few months and Jon gradually started joining us every Sunday.

At this point, I was going to church and learning about my Heavenly Father, but I was still missing something. I went in to talk to our Pastor about something else completely different and he asked me if I had accepted Jesus into my heart.

I had no clue what he was talking about.

So with Pastor George’s help, I accepted Christ into my heart that day in March 2007. A little over a year later, I was baptized on the 3rd anniversary of Jody’s death.

I finally had my answer. Jesus. He was my answer to everything.

Testimony Tuesday~ Sharing My Testimony a Little at a Time

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Each week, I have been sharing a little bit of my testimony. If you missed the first installments, be sure to read them HERE.

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Even then, as a grown woman about to get married, my father was still trying to control my life. I had been in and out of their lives since I had been disowned. I was allowed back in if I followed the rules, which I usually did not so I got kicked back out. It was a cycle that continued up through my wedding.

We had planned the wedding how we wanted it. According to my father, I was selfish and made it about me and Jon rather than making it about my father and everyone else and doing it how he thought it should be done. Two nights before my wedding there was an awful, awful argument. One that resulted in my father threatening to drive my entire family the 4 hours back home and not participate in my wedding if we didn’t do things his way.

As usual, I did not know what to do when my father got like this. I was under his thumb, yet I was in my own home. I did the only thing I knew how to do, just as I always did; I ran and hid. Jon stayed and fought for me.

We ended up doing things my father’s way because Jon knew that I wanted my brother and sister and my mom to be a part of my wedding and that it was important to me. The next 2 days were filled with bitterness, anger, frustration and unhappiness; not exactly how you would picture the days leading up to your wedding.

My own father ended up trying to sabotage as much as he possibly could of my wedding after that. He did not lift a finger to help. He made everyone late for pictures so we only got a few pictures taken before our wedding. We were not even able to get a formal wedding picture of Jon and I on that day, because there just was not any time. As I prepared to take that next step in my life, a step in which you hope for happiness, my own father did not say a single word to me on my wedding day. He walked me down the aisle, but did not say a single word to me beforehand; not a blessing, not a word of encouragement; nothing. As I walked down the aisle towards my future husband, I knew I was making the right choice.

After my wedding, I cut most of the ties I had left with my family. I sent letters and packages to my siblings but that was about it. I had a new husband and a new life and the pain wasn’t worth it to me anymore.

The first few years of our marriage were interesting. There were a lot of great times, but many more low times. I obviously had some issues in my past that I needed to work through and heal from.  At the time, I didn’t know it, but I was suffering from severe depression. It was bad. Really awful. It is only by God’s hand that Jon stuck it out with me. He took my verbal abuse, he took my depressive states, he took my suicide attempts, he took my overwhelming anger, he took my underwhelming joy; he took them all, picked me up, wrapped his arms around me, and stood by my side. Jon is an amazing man who shone God’s love without even knowing it.

I finally got to a place where I was good; I was certainly not completely healthy mentally, but I was healing and I was moving forward. I got my degrees and started teaching preschool for a couple of years. I was finally heading in the direction that I wanted to be going.

My mom finally left my father and we began to rebuild our relationship a little bit. But she still has so much anger, bitterness and resentment that it can be toxic at times to have her in my life. Her and my sister continue to choose not to heal and move forward. So I love them from a distance and continue to pray that God will work in their hearts.

Fast forward a couple of years to the birth of our first child. That alone is a beautiful and amazing blessing. Life was good with our baby boy. I loved being a mother.

I saw my father one more time at my great-grandma’s funeral. The only reason he came was because he heard that I had a child and he wanted to see him. He didn’t care about me or about trying to apologize for anything or to make amends. He was still doing the same things he had always done. That was the last time I saw my father. It has been 8 years since I have seen him. But I have been able to heal. God has taken me through the long and painful process of healing from all those past hurts. I have been able to forgive my father for all the wrong he has done to me. God has shown me that I can forgive and that forgiving someone who has hurt you is about me being able to heal and move forward; it is not about the person that has hurt me. I am not the one to judge him; God will take care of that. I have forgiven my father, I am healing and I am moving forward.

Testimony Tuesday~ Sharing My Testimony a Little at a Time

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Each week, I have been sharing a little bit of my testimony. If you missed the first installments, be sure to read them HERE.

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I first laid eyes on Jon in the line at the store waiting for my roommate (who happened to be of legal drinking age) to finish her purchases. It was my 20th birthday and I was having a party. Her boyfriend had decided he would invite Jon to my party and I would finally get to meet him.

The second I saw him, with those cute dimples and the big ears (I have a thing for men with big ears) my heart stopped. I knew right then. He was it. He was The One.

I will spare you the details of the first few weeks. Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing unusual; just the usual college “dating.”

One month later, Jon was there when I needed him most. My father was trying to regain control over my life from afar and when he couldn’t, he decided that I was going to be disowned and was no longer a part of the family. Disowning me was his way of issuing control. Jon took my late night phone calls. He talked to me, he comforted me, he let me lean on him in my lowest moments. He did what a lot of other “men” his age would never do. He showed maturity. He showed kindness. He showed heart.

I never looked back after that. He was definitely “The One for me.”

We spent the first year of our relationship long distance. We lived about 3 hours away from each other. If a couple can make it through that, they should be able to make it through anything, right?

Because of my past, I had some serious issues to work through in my life. Issues surrounding myself, my thoughts and beliefs about men; issues that would take me a long time to work through.

I had issues with trusting other people and letting my walls down for them. I had difficulty communicating my problems and my feelings. I kept many things just bottled up inside me until I finally broke. I thank God that Jon was there to save me from the many times I tried to take my own life. My hurt and brokenness and depression ran so deep, my self-worth was so little, that I believed the world would be a better place without me.

Jon is such a strong man. The things that he supported me through and what he stuck around for still amazes me. Many men would not have hung around and dealt with all the things I put him through. Many men would have given up on me and walked away; just as all the other men in my life had done.

God had other plans.

God knew I needed an earthly angel. He knew that he had to find someone who was strong and sturdy and had big enough shoulders to be able to hold up under everything I threw at him.

We got married a short 2.5 years later.

Testimony Tuesday~ Sharing My Testimony a Little at a Time

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Each week, I will be sharing a little bit of my testimony. If you missed the first week, be sure to read it HERE.

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My entire life until I left for college was controlled for me by my father. I was never given the opportunity to make my own choices. He picked out what classes I took in middle school and high school. He told me what clothes I had to wear and what I could not wear (and this went beyond the typical boundaries parents give their kids for clothing.) I was told what friends I could have at school. He even picked out my first vehicle even though I was paying for it myself.

Anything less than perfection was not acceptable. I had to be properly behaved. I had to get A’s in school (B’s were not acceptable and I was punished for them.) I had to keep the house clean. I had to practice my violin for hours. I had to babysit on demand. Once I was old enough, I had to get a job and start paying for my own things. The list goes on and on and on. Mistakes were not okay and they were certainly never forgiven.

I went off to college just a few months after turning 18, vowing to only return for visits. Because I was finally out from under my father’s control and I was on my own I was able to make my own decisions for the first time and I went on a little rebellious streak. After all the years of being controlled and being told what to do and what was expected of me, I did not know what to do with myself or how to act. I didn’t know how to make my own decisions or how to live and function in the real world. So as a freshman in college, away from home and having my first taste of freedom, I went a little wild; partying, drinking, a few minor drugs, a few different men, and cutting class a lot.
Again, without God’s hand in my life, I don’t think I would have survived those years.

Around my 3rd year of college I finally had all the wildness out of me and I was starting to get my head back on my shoulders and I was ready to take responsibility for myself. This is about the time Jon entered my life.

I met Jon through my college roommate’s boyfriend. The two boys had been great friends since early middle school. I had known my roommate and her boyfriend an entire year before Jon entered into my life. A year. A lot happened within that year that changed me and I wonder what things would have been like if I had known Jon from the beginning. But, everything happens in God’s timing and He wanted me to wait a year.